Nothingness

It isn't easy at all living a life you never liked. It is even harder to live your own life, when every moment you just wish you could live other peoples' lives. I know, I know. People will just say there are more unfortunate ones out there, and that we should all appreciate our own lives. I've tried living with that statement for the past few years and to be honest, I even said those words to friends who hate their own lives.

I'm such a hypocrite, I know. Because in reality, I myself can't live with that statement. Humans are greedy. The more you're given, the more you demand. But I've got nothing much to demand for, truth to be told. Because in my life, there's nothing that can be done about it.

I'm envious of friends who have loving and bonded families. Not just within one family but with all the aunties, uncles, cousins etc etc. They get pampered by their parents, getting whatever they want. Some of my friends, all they need to do to get money is just extend their palms out and ask for it. Some of my friends, they just have to ask for the latest gadget or whatever it is that they want, and the next moment it will appear right in front of them. Blackberry, iPhone, iPad, laptop etc etc. To me, it's like a magic or a wish come true. I never had that kind of privilege.

True enough, while some of my friends who came from a somewhat more complicated families than the normal, loving ones, at least they get all the things they want even if they do not have parental love. I know nothing can be compared to parental love, but hey, you can't ask for much if you do not have both, no? If you are at least getting whatever you want from your parents, it is much better than I, who have neither. No parental love, don't get what I want, nothing.

Growing up with a single mother, I know how hard it is for her. Which is why I dare not demand anything from her, even though from the bottom of my heart I really wanted some things. But I've learned not to ask for anything. Don't ask me where did I learn that from because I don't know, really. It just doesn't feel right for me to ask. Besides, I've already knew the answer even before I had to ask for it. The answers are always 'No' and 'It's a waste of money.' Hence, I always use my savings to get my own things but thankfully, the bf has been very generous with me. That explains why we're so broke.

I also seem to be unable to keep my friends close to me. It's a wonder how my friends are still able to keep in touch even though they're in different countries. I don't think I have such a wonderful friendship before and honestly, yes, I envy them to the max. And Facebook isn't helping at all because each time I look at them, I'd ask myself why am I such a failure? We were from the same circle of friends before and yet, I feel like an outcast all the time.

I tried really hard to have that kind of friendship. That is the sole reason why I wanted a Blackberry, so I could BBM and Whatsapp with friends who are overseas. Yes, no doubt it did help me get in touch with them much easier, but I guess I'm still a failure at it. I could never get the kind of friendship that I longed for.

In fact, I could never get anything at all.
The kind of parental love that I longed for;
The kind of loving and bonded family that I longed for;
or at least the kind of love from parents where I get what I want.
Nuh uh, I get nothing.

I feel like I'm such a failure. Couldn't get anything done right. Couldn't live the life I yearned for. Couldn't stop yearning for so much.

I always feel like I have nothing. I'm always at lost. Sometimes, I really hope all this is just a dream, and one day later I would be woken up to a whole new life. But I know it isn't a dream at all. It's my life and I just have to deal with it. People often say stay strong, but heck, sometimes even the strong ones deserve a break or two.

Sometimes, I feel like a lost child, waiting for someone to pick me up and give me a better life, change my life to a whole new world. Well yeah, that's never gonna happen because this ain't a fairytale. It's a god damn reality. 

And after having all these emo thoughts, crying out silently, at least the one thing that can make me feel better is crawl into the sleeping bf's arms and fall asleep. At least that's the one place I wouldn't feel so lonely. It's true that sometimes I tried telling myself nothing else matters as long as I have him with me, since I don't matter as much to others as they do to me. But I guess I suck at consoling myself because it's just a matter of time till I start feeling the emptiness again. 

I just want myself to matter to my friends. I just want the kind of friendship that I longed for. I would never demand for parental love or the kind of love from parents where I get what I want because I know I'm never going to get it. But it seems like the friendship is also out of my reach.

Sometimes I really feel that all I have in this world are just the bf and Belle.

And don't try to tell me that you understand me, because I don't think anyone does. I'm just so miserable like that. I seriously, honestly, want a new life. Out of this world, out of this place, out of this emptiness.